I recently read the Maxwell Leadership Bible on Galatians 2 and came across John’s note “Confrontation: Paul Exhibits Integrity with Peter”, which outlines 10 principles for confrontation, which I think is so good that I must share this out.
I want to emphasise, as John stated too, the importance of setting aside personal preferences and thinking through the best strategy with the other person in mind.
Both you and whom you are confronting are not on the opposite side. Both of you are teammates with a common goal of addressing an issue! You both want to “deal”, it is just both of you have different ideas on how to best solve the problem at hand.
So it is your team, you and your confronting partner, competing against the goliath, the gorillas, and all the groanings.
Does anyone like confrontation here? Let me know and we can have one!
1st Principle of Confrontation: Obey the 101% Principle
Do you find the 1% you disagree on and give it 100% of your effort? So how did the conflict go?
Have you thought of giving 100% effort to the 1% you agree on instead? The first and best response when conflict emerges, and before it becomes too hot to handle, is to actively search for the areas where you already agree. It’s the quickest way to start moving the conflict toward resolution. I did not say you have to give up or surrender, but pointing out there is some sort of agreement is a good way to start collaboration among all parties, making all realise there is a common goal indeed.
2nd Principle of Confrontation: Love people more than opinions.
Do you?
Or do you know someone who loves opinions more than people? How much conflict does that person experience in life?
It is John’s, and also my belief, that those who love their opinions more than their friends will defend their opinions and unfortunately, destroy their friends. Relationships last longer, are better and smell sweeter than opinions. If you cherish the relationship, you will keep the line of communication open, and as conflict and confrontation come and go (they will!), your relationship will be strengthened.
3rd Principle of Confrontation: Give others the benefit of the doubt.
I really love what John said here. “To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart”.
But it is so natural and without thought, that I do the opposite. I am guilty of often letting myself off the hook easily yet demanding perfection from others around me!
And think about this, in most cases, whoever has conflict with you does have the right motives, it is just your thought processes are different. If you can recognise this, this can defuse the defensiveness, and allow both sides to attack the issue together as a team.
4th Principle of Confrontation: Learn to be flexible
The 3rd U.S. President, Thomas Jefferson, famously said, “In matters of principle, stand like a rock. In matters of taste, swim with the current.”
John said, ask yourself two important questions: “Does this really make a difference?” and “Will I care about this tomorrow?” If you answer “no,” then perhaps you can compromise on your position.
And remember this. Trust is a currency. If you can sincerely give and compromise on a matter of taste, people are more likely to return the favour when you need it.
But never compromise in matters of character and principle, otherwise, trust will be lost. People will see you as someone without principle and untrustworthy.
5th Principle of Confrontation: Provide an escape hatch (for the other parties in conflict)
I was just teaching this to a mentee yesterday evening!
Do you know why many world conflicts ended in endless raging wars? Like now? Because they are cornered and have nowhere to turn but fight. Imagine this, when you cornered a country president with no way to escape, how could the president face his people? If he backed off, he would be dead in the water anyway. Must well fight until the last drop. And wow, you can corner a president? Which are you, Chase the Police Dog or Krypto the Super Dog?
From John’s blog, I saw that years ago, Enterprise Car Rentals had a policy for dealing with angry customers, the company urged staff to “never let the customer lose face.” And I think it is a very good policy.
It is more effective to persuade others to agree with you and easier for them to give in when they are not feeling they’ve lost.
6th Principle of Confrontation: Check your own attitudes
During the conflict, keeping a cool head is essential to resolving the issue. So a bad attitudes many times just exacerbate the problem and make it harder to resolve. And firmness in principle does not equal bad attitudes. A person can be firm, gentle, and logical at the same time, and you will look presidential.
7th Principle of Confrontation: Don’t overreact
John has another very important and profound point, that hit me very directly: Does my reaction match the issue’s intensity? “When my response is more intense than the issue at hand, then my response is often about something else. That’s something I need to resolve with myself.”
8th Principle of Confrontation: Don’t become defensive
See, most conflicts are not directly about you. Instead, as I first stated, it is an issue to be solved by both parties. Avoid the blame game, you will be more cool-headed and logical, and able to solve the issue on hand in a more graceful way, consolidating your reputation as a fair and skilful negotiator.
9th Principle of Confrontation: Welcome the conflict
As long as there is more than one person, you are going to get a conflict. You are going to be confronted, and sometimes, cornered. Because others are just not like you, and you are just not like them. We are all created to be different and to fulfil a different purpose, so there will always be disagreements and misunderstandings.
And I learned that running away from conflict doesn’t work. It just came back bigger and more terrifying. And I have tasted it 1st hand… often. Then I kicked myself why don’t I deal with it when it is far easier to resolve?
But if you welcome it and use it as an opportunity to understand and clarify, you will be wiser. Otherwise, you develop ulcer.
10th Principle of Confrontation: Take a risk
I can only agree 100% with John on this one – this is the hardest part.
The 1st thing in my mind during conflict is distrust and disconnect. I don’t want to hear. And I choose to believe what I believe. And I don’t trust what you said. People get more distant when this happens and everyone involved gets hurt.
John said he made the decision a long time ago that he would rather risk being hurt than keep people at a distance. So he chooses every day to be open, honest, and vulnerable with others, to believe the best about them, and to trust them.
I am now learning and trying to do that too. Getting it right is difficult to do in the moment but it is going to be well worth it later. Later is longer.
Feature Image: AI-generated angry confronting kittens